Getting up!!!!

Honesty, damn sometimes its so hard. Phew, I have not been honest with so many people about being stuck. Sometimes its just difficult to tell people what a hard time we are having. Sometimes there is shame and stigma attached to it. I have been sporting a super fake smile and holding back my tears for months now. Feeling the shame of whatever has come over me has stopped me from being honest with my friends and loved ones.
So here is the deal...in September, my last post, I felt it come on fast and strong. I vowed i was going to get it under control. Urghhh....no such luck. I have been trying believe me. The days I am not working i crawl back into bed. Also, have not had a good nights sleep since probably August. Feeling sorry for oneself is so useless, yet nearly impossible, at times, to "snap out of it!" Oh yeah, don't you love that phrase? Ha, I have to laugh each and every time someone says that.
Most mornings, which are the absolute worst by the way, I would desperately try to sleep, but to no avail. Instead, just sadness, and bad memories of my past flooded my mind.
This A.M. I cried. I did not stop myself this time. I just did. For hours. on and off for almost 6. It is very important for me to be strong for others but damn did I need that cry. I was scared because I knew it would not stop. I have discussed it in the past w/ a therapist friend, who when her divorce was final, she would drop her kids off on the weekends. Once back home she would grab a box of tissues and cry throughout the whole weekend. This was years ago, but her idea always stuck with me.She did it for almost four months, and have not done that she does not know how she would have gotten through.
As, i still need to get back on track with a self care routine, I am going to try this for a couple weeks.
So, with a very deep breath, I will get on with my day, and my couple mornings a week i will cry the sadness away. If anyone reads this, have me in your prayers and wish me luck!
Thanks,
and P.S. I plan on reluctantly coming clean about, "Being Stuck," Again!

Being Stuck Again!

Wow....If anyone is reading. Please know being stuck can happen to all of us! I was doing so well...and poof! The evil fairy God Mother zapped me back in that dark place. After many months of brutal sadness and feeling pathetically sorry for myself. I'm trying to make it back...and damn its hard. Starting a self care program and a serious "Positive" attitude adjustment asap!
So i will post in the coming weeks how it is going. And all of you who are struggling...Please adjust your attitude as well and LOVE yourself!

LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH

Coming up on that time of year again. :(
 Triggers/memories, etc... Most of you know it well. This will be quick but is noteworthy. You know when that very ignorant, maybe compassionate person says, "Snap out of it!" Oh man! It really is the worst! Try not to get mad...i know its hard. Just laugh...and do not stop, keep laughing and laughing and laughing and laughing, until you really are. Until you feel the humor in what they just said. Because it really is that funny! They have no idea...and so, do not stop laughing and do not respond when they ask you why you are laughing...just keep going and going and going. And try and make an exit, while you are still laughing...maybe keep laughing til you cry but do not stop.
Ok, so this person/People, may think your crazy, haha...but chances are, they already think that to an extent, only because they are uneducated as to where your mind-space is at concerning your trauma.
Would love some feedback if anyone tries this.
Good Luck,
Be Well and Breathe<3

Healing in the New Year

Healing for the New Year;
You know when people say..."keep looking forward...stop looking in the rear view mirror." Yes, very good advice, except for those times when we look in the rear view mirror and we see there is a big mess or perhaps just a bit of clutter. Maybe we need to stop and clean it up,...before we can move on. Then we may find that there are many messes along the way. However, the messes keep getting smaller and smaller and easier and faster to clean up.
I do like to use affirmations and not dwell in the past too long when having a bad day. Then we have those days, where that ass#$%* trauma pops up. My clean ups are not my own...and I am guessing yours are not either, if you are reading this. Sadly, we must get rid of this clutter, which of course is the pain, the sadness that we carry with us...sometimes the shame, which is again, not ours. It does not seem fair, yet to keep moving forward we have to sort through the shit and get rid of it.
When i am sorting through it...i never give it more than 15 minutes. I fight with the "its not fair," for less than a minute and then do the work. It is always, ALWAYS, hard! But i am worth it! I deserve to have some peace and be happy...and so do you!
Therapy has been my saving grace in my healing process; However, everyone has their own process. That being said, although I would like to give credit to all those amazing therapists, It was a lot more than that, that brought me to where i am now. Everyone must find their own but i would like to mention some things that have significantly helped.
 Yoga
Meditation
Eating closer to the earth
Eliminating toxic relationships..or at least distancing them
Being present when spending time with loved ones
Long walks in the forest
Swimming in natural bodies of water when possible
Helping a someone i do not know just because they need the help
Prayer
Crying...letting go
and more Yoga...the list goes on and I am going to write an upcoming blog on walking meditations as well as some of the other things that are not only healing but allow one to experience extreme happiness!

Even Now the Cycle Continues!!!!!!!

Be That Voice

One voice could save generations of children

One voice could save thousands of families

One voice could give a countless number of children the right to be a child

One voice could allow a child to bask in the innocence of childhood

One voice could stop another child from being sexually abused

One voice could give strength to a scared parent, to come out of denial and save their child

One voice could give a child strength to tell

One voice could prevent an abuser from hurting one more child

One voice could convince someone in the family to stand up and say, "NO!!!" "This is wrong!!!"

One voice could change Everything!

Be the voice that makes the change!

If you know a situation where child sexual abuse is happening or has happened...regardless, of what anyone has told you, It Is Wrong!!!

If it is a friend, TELL. You will save their life! You may lose them briefly, but you will save them forever!

If it is you, TELL. Even if it is a parent, grandparent, family friend, Aunt, Uncle, Mom's boyfriend. Tell someone you know you can trust. Tell a teacher, a friends parent whom you trust. The school adjustment counselor. It will stop happening, and you will be safe. There are good people that care about you and want to help you. If you are too scared, then let them be your voice. If you do not know or believe you can trust anyone, call the police. You may choose to speak with a either a male or a female officer. You may go to them or they may come to you. Teacher; Parents; Friends and the like, if a child comes to you with this...they are scared. Do not turn your back on them. They are often brushed off by a parent who either, doesn't or does not want to believe. PLEASE, be their advocate, be that voice!  If your child tells you their friend is going through this, take it SERIOUSLY! Be their voice! 

If your child tells you they have been abused, LISTEN and listen carefully. Do not brush it under the rug. Do not be ashamed, or think it will ruin your family/family name etc.. Instead, know, by not speaking out, THIS will do unspeakable long term damage to this child. Make sure you take immediate action! The abuser will strike again and again, hurting your child and others. 

If you have been a victim of abuse and are now an adult, you may choose to press charges. Check with your states statue of limitations. By doing something legal, you are being a VOICE for so many other victims. TELL everyone who needs to know. Tell people who have children in the neighborhood, tell teachers and childcare providers in the district. It is really scary, but so brave! By being that voice you are a HERO!

If you are being abused and are really scared and lost as to what to do, please call the national child abuse hot line at 1-800-4-A-CHILD

You can also help a child by calling this number and being their voice!

updated form my yahoo April 2011 blog

An update on the HOUSE! Oh the house that was so important to the family members and the reason one little girl had to be the, "sacrificial lamb," sort of speak, ummmm, since Monster died, the house has been put on the market. Someone told me recently, they thought it had sold...and for not that much. Well, hope it was all worth it to them. I have tried to wrap my mind around it but still makes no sense at all. Just like it never made sense, when i pleaded with that family member to not have children around Monster.
In these crazy circumstances, all we can do is pray for the victims. I pray that the little girl and all of his over 50 years of victims will find peace!

Healing 2

Sooo, the healing continues. Focusing on what went wrong with the family dynamic. I have learned, there is never any upside to keeping secrets and lies to, "protect the family." This is what went wrong. My family kept the secret to not embarrass the family name. Inadvertently, and maybe sometimes not so inadvertently, they were protecting the monster. Shame, shame, shame!  Because of this i and many other children were abused and our lives were forever changed by the monster. Change the dysfunctional cycle,,,if it exists in your family or someone you know. take a breath...and SPEAK!!!!

Healing

Deep breath in...ahhhhh...and out...Alright.

Yesterday, i found out Monster had died. My Aunt's husband,(that is), who had abused me from about 5 or 6, until 12. How do I feel? Good question. Disappointed i suppose. It does not seem fair he was able to die w/respect and dignity. I was working through some things that would have given me some closure. Sadly, I will not get to finish that part of the process.
A family member with good intentions said, "We have to respect the family during this time." It was a hard pill to swallow considering the family in which he was talking about, thanked me for never speaking out about all of the heinous things that were done do me. "It would have ruined my life." she said,..."I would have killed myself!" Yes, a big fat slap in my face.
 That was over 6 years ago, and last year i pleaded with her to please remove your family, which included small children, whom, he had direct access to. The response was, " I would never be able to jeopardize losing that house." My daughter loves that house she said, and she could not make that change without losing said house.
So, let us get back to respect! No, I do not respect any parent who full well knowingly puts their children in harms way, especially, for the sake of money and greed!